Crazy Times

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks. I haven't had much of a desire to blog about it. Probably because I've had so many different thoughts that I can't even keep them all straight. Here are a few of them in random order... as they appear in my brain. Forgive me if they are too long, and remember... nobody's making you read this anyway (see the rules for blogging).

I had a great time in Costa Rica. It was some time after I got home, or maybe it was on the flight back, when I realized that I worked the whole time and never really felt like I was working. I could do that all year long.

A few days after coming back from Costa Rica I had an impromptu staff meeting at Westwinds, where I learned that, due to budget cuts, I will no longer be serving on staff there effective September 1st. I wasn't the only one to be let go, but that doesn't really make it any easier. I have to say that I understand but it still sucks. I've been on board there through some tough times over the past years and maybe it's hard because I just didn't foresee it ending like this. And, I know it doesn't have to end, I am still welcome to offer my services for free, but I think we all know it won't be the same.

Because that position made up about 1/3 of my income, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how to replace that. I've had so many different ideas that it'd take me all day to try to list them all, but for the most part they fall into a few different options.

1. maintain status quo. This involves doing nothing, making no changes, continuing on at westwinds as a volunteer, continuing to teach at JCS, and praying that God will intervene in some way before the savings account reaches $0. A good friend told me that there's a fine line between faith and foolishness.
2. complete overhaul. This involves selling everything and starting from scratch by taking some serious soul searching time with God. (I'm not kidding)
3. something in between. Since both option 1 & 2 seem difficult for the family I'm open for option 3, though I'm not sure what it really looks like. I'm at a point in life where I really don't want to spend a lot of time doing things that don't fit with how I'm designed, and yet I'm concerned about ending up there. I've thought of calling everyone I know and asking if they have work for someone like me (whatever that means), but I think the biggest thing is that I want any move to be a God initiated move, not a me-initiated move. And with my brain going 1,000 miles an hour it's difficult to hear the still small voice.

All this change may effect my school plans. I've been accepted into the Masters of Spiritual Formation and Leadership program at Spring Arbor Univ. and had been planning on starting in the fall. Now, I'm brainstorming how to pay for that, and equally important is finding time to do it.

I was looking around the SAU website today and saw that they are offering two full paid scholarships for their online programs (of which the MSFL is eligible). So I applied. Pray that I'll be one of the two randomly selected.

My friend Randy went in today for his second round of intense chemo for the stage 3 cancer he's been fighting. We had an awesome talk a few weeks ago. I love how well he listens to me as I ramble on about things. I hope I can learn to listen like he does. Knowing what he's going through this week makes me wonder why I spent so much time rambling about my life, and if he were here beside me he'd tell me not to be so hard on myself. I hope he is well tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post about my friend Ben whom I work with at Westwinds. I was going to call it, "How to save a life". It's a long story, but basically I was put in charge of all things youth ministry at WW (Westwinds) when the last youth pastor left. I was already part-time so it seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, the whole ordeal had me pretty worn down (even more than I think I realized at the time). I was really anxious to have someone hired but at the same time wanted someone who would have the right fit here at WW. By the time Ben came on board as the new Student Journey Designer I was way past the burn-out level. I wanted to drop it all but more than that I wanted a smooth transition for him. I hung in and kept showing up to meetings and youth gatherings, all the wile feeling totally empty inside.

My friendship with Ben grew and somehow he managed to hang with me, giving me the space to feel how I was feeling and still be a part of the team. I never felt like he blamed me for anything that I was feeling. I recall a few of our talks in the office with me sitting on the desk babbling some sort of gibberish about calling, and youth ministry, and him sitting there soaking it in and encouraging me, yet without the typical patronizing kind of stuff.

I specifically remember one day at the end of one of my mental puking sessions that I just started to feel alive again. I don't feel dead anymore. I don't know how or why but i want to thank and give credit to my good friend Ben for saving my life when I was burned out.