A Parable

Once there was a kingdom with a King who owned many horses. A certain man worked hard every day from sun up until sun down carrying bags of food for the kings horses to eat. It was an important task as the horses were the Kings prize possession. He did this every day, pulling the heavy cart through the streets. Everyone thought he was a hard worker, and eventually he became the most famous horse food carrier in all of the land. Finally he died. And the next day someone else carried the food.

Crazy Times

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks. I haven't had much of a desire to blog about it. Probably because I've had so many different thoughts that I can't even keep them all straight. Here are a few of them in random order... as they appear in my brain. Forgive me if they are too long, and remember... nobody's making you read this anyway (see the rules for blogging).

I had a great time in Costa Rica. It was some time after I got home, or maybe it was on the flight back, when I realized that I worked the whole time and never really felt like I was working. I could do that all year long.

A few days after coming back from Costa Rica I had an impromptu staff meeting at Westwinds, where I learned that, due to budget cuts, I will no longer be serving on staff there effective September 1st. I wasn't the only one to be let go, but that doesn't really make it any easier. I have to say that I understand but it still sucks. I've been on board there through some tough times over the past years and maybe it's hard because I just didn't foresee it ending like this. And, I know it doesn't have to end, I am still welcome to offer my services for free, but I think we all know it won't be the same.

Because that position made up about 1/3 of my income, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how to replace that. I've had so many different ideas that it'd take me all day to try to list them all, but for the most part they fall into a few different options.

1. maintain status quo. This involves doing nothing, making no changes, continuing on at westwinds as a volunteer, continuing to teach at JCS, and praying that God will intervene in some way before the savings account reaches $0. A good friend told me that there's a fine line between faith and foolishness.
2. complete overhaul. This involves selling everything and starting from scratch by taking some serious soul searching time with God. (I'm not kidding)
3. something in between. Since both option 1 & 2 seem difficult for the family I'm open for option 3, though I'm not sure what it really looks like. I'm at a point in life where I really don't want to spend a lot of time doing things that don't fit with how I'm designed, and yet I'm concerned about ending up there. I've thought of calling everyone I know and asking if they have work for someone like me (whatever that means), but I think the biggest thing is that I want any move to be a God initiated move, not a me-initiated move. And with my brain going 1,000 miles an hour it's difficult to hear the still small voice.

All this change may effect my school plans. I've been accepted into the Masters of Spiritual Formation and Leadership program at Spring Arbor Univ. and had been planning on starting in the fall. Now, I'm brainstorming how to pay for that, and equally important is finding time to do it.

I was looking around the SAU website today and saw that they are offering two full paid scholarships for their online programs (of which the MSFL is eligible). So I applied. Pray that I'll be one of the two randomly selected.

My friend Randy went in today for his second round of intense chemo for the stage 3 cancer he's been fighting. We had an awesome talk a few weeks ago. I love how well he listens to me as I ramble on about things. I hope I can learn to listen like he does. Knowing what he's going through this week makes me wonder why I spent so much time rambling about my life, and if he were here beside me he'd tell me not to be so hard on myself. I hope he is well tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post about my friend Ben whom I work with at Westwinds. I was going to call it, "How to save a life". It's a long story, but basically I was put in charge of all things youth ministry at WW (Westwinds) when the last youth pastor left. I was already part-time so it seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, the whole ordeal had me pretty worn down (even more than I think I realized at the time). I was really anxious to have someone hired but at the same time wanted someone who would have the right fit here at WW. By the time Ben came on board as the new Student Journey Designer I was way past the burn-out level. I wanted to drop it all but more than that I wanted a smooth transition for him. I hung in and kept showing up to meetings and youth gatherings, all the wile feeling totally empty inside.

My friendship with Ben grew and somehow he managed to hang with me, giving me the space to feel how I was feeling and still be a part of the team. I never felt like he blamed me for anything that I was feeling. I recall a few of our talks in the office with me sitting on the desk babbling some sort of gibberish about calling, and youth ministry, and him sitting there soaking it in and encouraging me, yet without the typical patronizing kind of stuff.

I specifically remember one day at the end of one of my mental puking sessions that I just started to feel alive again. I don't feel dead anymore. I don't know how or why but i want to thank and give credit to my good friend Ben for saving my life when I was burned out.

Rules of the Red Rubber Ball

I read this book last night. It's a quick read but there is a great message in the book. If you've followed some of my other book postings lately you know that I've been reading a lot about career choice and calling or "vocation" (I've been focusing on this material because I am teaching a class right now to a group of seniors on choosing careers). And you'll know that I struggle being a dream releaser and being realistic. This book leans heavily on the side of dream releasing but does so in an appropriate way. Kevin Carroll does a great job of encouraging readers to find their red rubber ball, or the thing that they are truly passionate about. This is done by simply looking at your own joys. What you do for fun. What you love to do. He seemed to say that usually we'll excel in jobs that are related in some way to that thing we love. If it's sports, we may not make the NBA but, as in his case, we may become an athletic trainer for an NBA team. We'll enjoy jobs that in some way embrace the things that are important to us. As I write that it sure sounds like a no brainer. I wonder why so many people out there hate their jobs? I've been really liking my lately.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I know it seems like all my posts lately are about movies, but two weeks off leaves a lot of free time to do whatever you want... and I like movies. I saw this one last night with my wife. I've heard two people put this film in the same category as Rudy (which is definitely worth watching if you haven't seen it).
The Pursuit of Happyness (spelled incorrectly on purpose- you have to see the movie to understand... and, if you haven't seen the movie and are planning to, I don't want to ruin it for you so you may not want to read this post until after you see it. Don't say I didn't warn you.) was heart-warming and sent that great American message that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. Unfortunately, I don't think that is entirely true. And if something isn't entirely true then we probably mean that it isn't true but we all want to think that it is. I recently posted about a book I'd been reading called Let Your Life Speak. In that book, Parker Palmer pulls the curtain back on this myth.
In the movie, Chris Gardner (Will Smith) tells his son that he ought not to spend too much time on the basketball court because he probably will only be an average player at best. In response his son is obviously disappointed and dejected. Seeing this, Gardner then tells his son to never allow anyone to tell him that he can't do something. I want to believe him but I don't. Sometimes people are right when they tell us that we can't do something. Sometimes others see things about ourselves that allow them to know that a certain career path may be the wrong one for us and we are blind to it.
In Finding a Job You Can Love, Ralph Mattson and Arthur Miller talk about determining your "central motivational thrust". In the movie, Chris Gardner goes through this process. He knows he has a way with people and gradually realizes he has also always had a knack for math, and it's a rubiks cube that seems to be the final clue that he has this gift. So the movie is a great story about a guy who didn't just decide one day to be a stock broker, he discovered that he those cards were already in the hand he'd been dealt. Had the movie been about his desire to become an NBA player it would have been horrible and nobody would have gone to see it, why... because he wouldn't have made the NBA and who wants to watch a movie about failure - most feel too close the that idea already.
My point is that it's a great story but it's not a story about someone deciding to do something and then doing it - although that may seem to be the message. It's really a story about someone who discovered the gifts that they had and learned how to maximize them in a career. I wonder what the movie would have been like had it focused on any of the other twenty guys who worked so hard and didn't get the internship.

An amazing day

Yesterday I spent all day with the Randy (journey team leader at westwinds) and Ben (student journey designer). Our goal in this day was to get a 1,000 foot perspective on last year and to use that understaning to shape the next twelve months. One of the key issues on the table was my role as the jr. high journey designer. I've been in a long conversation with Randy and Ben about how to respond to the things I've been senseing God nurturing in me and how that all fits in with my ministry role at Westwinds.
Without going into a lot of details let me just say that it was an amazing day and God was in the center of it all. I think it's a rare thing for any organization to shape positions to fit the people God has brought them instead of asking people to fit the pre-determined positions. I really feel like we're doing that here and it's really exciting to be a part of it. One of my favorite moments was as we all gathered around a whiteboard and we wrote my name in the center. Next we just brainstormed to come up with the life-giving things that God is already doing through me. Then we started thinking of movements we've all noticed in my life and dreaming about what that might look like if it was my job description. It was extremely freeing and affirming for me. I can't even explain it.
As we dreamed, two of the main focus points were spiritual formation, and missions. Missions is pretty straightforward, though I feel it will include a broader view (not just trips to mexico). A key idea we discussed was the idea of seeing all of the kids as community contributers and allowing that to inspire involvement in our neighborhoods and around the world. Spiritual formation is a little more complex. It involves the full life. It is the journey. But in order to put some tangibles on the table I coined the term "formative competencies". I really think that term is going to catch on. What I mean by formative competencies is the disciplines and practices that create the skeletal structure of the spiritual life (not sure if that is an oxy-moron).
I don't have time to go into more of the details right now. This is an exciting time. I can't wait to see how the next few months will unfold.