Remembering Randy Shafer

This past Saturday many of us celebrated the life of Randy Shafer. I was able to share a few words and wanted to post them here as well.

Randy Shafer was my soul friend. For the past couple of years we met almost every Tuesday morning at 6:15am. We turned a little booth in the center of Bob Evans into sacred space, where we listened to each other and to God.

It would be impossible for me to say everything that I want to say about Randy in just a few minutes. But, when I think of the time I spent with Randy there are a couple of words that really stand out to me.

First is Presence. When I was with Randy he always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. It didn’t matter what else was going on, he wasn’t distracted. Randy knew how to be with me in whatever I was experiencing, and never let me lose sight of where God was either. Sitting with Randy often seemed like a taste of what it will be like to sit with Jesus.

Next is Patience. Randy knew how to wait for God. His blog title “fogparty” indicates that he embraced the mystery of waiting. Randy’s patience always gave me the freedom to struggle with what God was doing without feeling like I was alone in the fog. As we find ourselves in the midst of that fog now, I know that Randy would be patient with us, in our anger, in our confusion, or in our sorrow, and he would be encouraging us to wait on the Lord. Randy’s presence always made that wait a little easier.

Another word is Prayer. Randy helped me to pray with honesty because he always modeled that kind of prayer. In fact, Randy’s life was a beautiful honest prayer. One of my favorite memories is of a time when Randy came to my house to pray with me. His prayer brought a healing to my life that day, and I always looked for an opportunity to return the favor. I prayed as hard as I knew how to pray for Randy, and though we didn’t see his physical healing, Randy did tell me that a kind of healing took place in him during one of our prayer sessions. And for that I am thankful to God.

There are many other words I would say about Randy but I will share only one more today and that is the word Love. For Love truly summarizes all of the words that could be said. Randy Loved well. He showed me what it was to love. Randy’s love drew me out of the cave that I had hid in for so long and brought me into the light of the presence of God. With eyes of love, Randy saw in me things that I am still trying to discover. He saw who I could be and he loved me toward realizing that vision.

It has been said that "He who feels the beauty of the tulip while it is still in bulb covered by the snow has love for the tulip." Randy’s deep love enabled him to see in all of us the beauty that still lies encapsulated in the bulb beneath the snow.

We honor Randy’s life and influence on us every time we listen to someone without distraction. We honor Randy every time we sit with someone and hear them with patient ears. We honor Randy every time we see someone with eyes of compassion and hope. We honor Randy every time we embrace someone with arms of love. And we honor Randy when we bloom into the kind of people that God has created us to be.

So now, may the warmth of God’s love melt the snow that now covers us all. May we now carry Randy inside of us. And may we all love better, because we were loved by Randy.

PROJECT: GIVEMORE – a journey toward discovering how to give myself away

Introduction: Some of my classmates and I defined spiritual formation as an intentional journey of being formed by God into the image of Jesus – with others and for others. Since developing that definition we have explored the discipline of contemplative prayer and theorized about what bridges need to be crossed over various chasms that separate contemplation and action in the formation journey. Five bridges create the framework for understanding this project.

Brief Overview: my project included two phases –

· Phase 1 was an experiment in giving.

· Phase 2 was a hands on / relational element at a downtown ministry house.

The story:

The Bridge of Awareness, Conviction, and Integrity

I have spent a lot of time the last few months thinking about the idea of giving. Sermons, readings, and experiences have sufficiently made me aware that I'm no good at it. I don't like to give away anything. When I get around generous people I always think to myself, "I wish I was more like that." God has been gentle but unrelenting in the conviction process.

I was at my usual midweek gathering with my friends and as we walked through the campus of Michigan University I started praying silently that God would give me an idea for this project. Only a moment later we started talking about our view of giving. We were struggling with the idea of buying "stuff" for ourselves when so many people around the world are without simple life necessities. We noted that when it comes to the second greatest commandment, we are pretty quick to love on ourselves but loving our neighbors to that same degree becomes a little more difficult.

Our discussion spawned this thought: What if every time you bought yourself something, you also bought an extra one and gave it away? At first it seemed simple enough. The concept would keep us from buying lots of unnecessary things and hold us accountable to care for those around us in need as much as we care for ourselves. In a small way it would bring a sense of equality to our relationships which Ronald Rolheiser, author of The Holy Longing, points out as a key area of Justice.

Surely the key to true compassion and justice is not found in throwing money at a situation. However, it seems that monetary giving can serve as a starting point, and that's what I felt like I needed this week – a starting point. I needed integrity. I needed to begin bringing my life in line with what I believe. I'll be quick to say that everything we have is Gods, but I'm usually the last one to put my money in the hat.

I decided to start small. I made a point to do two things.

· First, buy two and give one away.

· Second, pray for guidance.

It started with a gift card to a coffee shop.

Case #1: I went down to the local coffee house and grabbed my favorite beverage and a $5 gift card for someone else. I must have looked at everyone that came into that store while I sat there studying. Each time thinking, "God, is that the one who you want to bless?" I quickly realized that I would need to tune my ears closely to the voice of God in order to live this way. That card was burning a hole in my pocket all day. I ended up at the park that evening and I passed the card to the young man as he walked by. He was thoroughly confused as to why I would do something like that for him.

The Bridge of Ceaseless Prayer

I quickly became excited about how arming myself with a gift transformed my prayers and how I looked differently at everyone around me. Everyone became a potential target for blessing, and suddenly my relationship with God became essential to every interaction.

Case #2: I needed gas for the mini-van. I watched hesitantly as the numbers rolled by faster than I could count. I stopped at $25. The van wasn't full but I knew that I had to have enough money to buy someone else a $25 gas card. I drove down the highway actually praying that I would run across someone who was broke down or out of gas. (Usually I'm praying that someone else will stop and help those poor people on the side of the road, because God would understand that I am on my way to youth group). I was late but was so anxious for God to put someone in my path that needed assistance. That card remained in my pocket for 24 hours. I ended up passing this along to a young pastor I was chatting with who is planting a church in our town and needs to raise $45,000 this year. I handed it to him knowing it wouldn't make a dent in that number but hoping that it would encourage him that God's answer to his prayers could be provided, even in the strangest of ways.

Case #3: I needed to buy diapers for my daughter. I bought two packages. I came home wondering who in the world would need these extra diapers, but I was ready to meet a need. The next day I kept thinking about the diapers and started asking God to show me someone who could use these diapers. I finally just got in my car and started driving around looking for someone who needed diapers (I'm pretty sure I've never done that before). I drove to a place here in town that is a transitional house for teenage girls who have had babies. It looked empty. I drove around the block and then pulled in the parking lot. I sat in the car and just prayed that someone might be there that needed the diapers. I got out and walked up the steps and before I reached the top a woman greeted me at the door. I asked her if they needed size 4 diapers and she said, "yes." I introduced myself to her but didn't explain what I was up to. Her name was Tamarah. I'm on their mailing list now. I never would have been had I not been looking for someone who needed diapers. I made a new connection with the community. (A reasonably large step for an introvert.) But I knew there was more to all of this…

The Bridge of Community

Looking back I wish I had gotten to speak with each of these people more. I wish I knew more about where they were living and what they needed. The gifts didn't feel like justice, and maybe they weren't even compassion, but giving them was an opportunity for me to connect with the community and simply do my part in making things more fair. At this point I was reminded of the importance of community in spiritual formation, the "with others for others" part. So I determined to make that part of the experiment.

Case #4: I was hungry for more connections. I was beginning to see community as a key to this whole process. I wanted to meet some people that would give a name and a face to struggles in this town. I called my friend, Wendy, who runs a house downtown called Together We Can Make A Difference.

I got there just before lunch. There was a small group of people seated in the dining room around the table. Before I could do anything I was being served. Wendy shared a quick story about a cow being donated and needing a butcher to offer his "services". Then she prayed, and after prayer she said, "I'll turn my phone on now." (expecting that a butcher may call at any moment). We ate soup while Wendy read the daily scripture chapters (they are reading through the Bible in a year). Afterwards I sat and talked with the people. I tried not to be busy or act like I was going to come in there one afternoon and be the savior for the day. I just wanted to meet these people.

Carol was my favorite. She should have died twice. She told me the amazing stories behind each incident and how she saw God at work, rescuing and restoring her. Now she spends as much of her time as she can giving herself to others. Since August she has made 426 blankets to be given away. Did I mention she had a stroke and can't move her right arm? She owns an orchard and on a bad harvest year she recalled praying, "God, just give me enough to share." I was blown away.

Time doesn't permit me to speak of Ray, Steve, Dennis, Shaw, and the others whose names I can't recall.

The Bridge of Humility

Just being around Wendy can get you excited about what God is doing. There are so many answered prayers in that house. Foster says that the ecstatic gifts often help us see that God is present and active among peoples and situations we have written off as hopeless. (Streams of Living Water, Foster, p.127) I felt as though I understood that principle at a new level after my time at the house. I was humbled and hopeful.

I went from there down the street to see author and revolutionary Shane Claiborne speak. I was again humbled by his radical willingness to get involved in the lives of people in need. People kept asking things like how he got started and what a typical day looks like for him. His responses were simple and profound. Here are a few quotes I jotted down:

· "We can't be in love with the vision of changing the world, we must be in love with the people."

· "Everybody wants a revolution but nobody wants to do the dishes."

· "We cannot fully recover unless we also help the society that made us sick recover."

· I feel this last quote really sums up the essence of social justice.

The Bridge of Restoration

I know that giving things away does not address social justice on a grand scale, but here is how I see the connection. This experiment changed everything about my day. I was constantly consumed with thoughts of those around me and how what I had could be a blessing to them. Rolheiser states that when we pray we are not only petitioning God to act, but "we are also charging ourselves, as part of the Body of Christ, with some responsibility for answering the prayer." (The Holy Longing, p.83) We could see a need and then pray that God would meet that need OR we could prepare ourselves to meet a need and then ask God to open our eyes. That's what I experienced. I noticed myself praying all the time. And these prayers were not prayers that God would meet a need but that He would show me someone with a need that I was already prepared to meet. If I had noting in my pockets then I chose to offer myself – my eyes, ears, hands, and words. Ultimately the experiment changed me. And if I now treat people more justly then I suppose social justice has been accomplished, even if on the smallest scale.

Try the project yourself, and tell me what happens to you and through you!

Starting School

Yesterday I started the first section of my Masters program at SAU. It is an online program leading to a Masters in Spiritual Formation and Leadership. I've been anxious to go back to school for a long time now. I haven't decided if that is normal or a weird thing for a teacher to want to go to school??? I am a little nervous about keeping up with everything that I have going on these days and in some ways wonder if I may be sabotaging myself. I suppose that ought to be my first warning sign. I'll start teaching at the high school in less than a week and I don't feel prepared. God help me stay afloat.

Crazy Times

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks. I haven't had much of a desire to blog about it. Probably because I've had so many different thoughts that I can't even keep them all straight. Here are a few of them in random order... as they appear in my brain. Forgive me if they are too long, and remember... nobody's making you read this anyway (see the rules for blogging).

I had a great time in Costa Rica. It was some time after I got home, or maybe it was on the flight back, when I realized that I worked the whole time and never really felt like I was working. I could do that all year long.

A few days after coming back from Costa Rica I had an impromptu staff meeting at Westwinds, where I learned that, due to budget cuts, I will no longer be serving on staff there effective September 1st. I wasn't the only one to be let go, but that doesn't really make it any easier. I have to say that I understand but it still sucks. I've been on board there through some tough times over the past years and maybe it's hard because I just didn't foresee it ending like this. And, I know it doesn't have to end, I am still welcome to offer my services for free, but I think we all know it won't be the same.

Because that position made up about 1/3 of my income, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how to replace that. I've had so many different ideas that it'd take me all day to try to list them all, but for the most part they fall into a few different options.

1. maintain status quo. This involves doing nothing, making no changes, continuing on at westwinds as a volunteer, continuing to teach at JCS, and praying that God will intervene in some way before the savings account reaches $0. A good friend told me that there's a fine line between faith and foolishness.
2. complete overhaul. This involves selling everything and starting from scratch by taking some serious soul searching time with God. (I'm not kidding)
3. something in between. Since both option 1 & 2 seem difficult for the family I'm open for option 3, though I'm not sure what it really looks like. I'm at a point in life where I really don't want to spend a lot of time doing things that don't fit with how I'm designed, and yet I'm concerned about ending up there. I've thought of calling everyone I know and asking if they have work for someone like me (whatever that means), but I think the biggest thing is that I want any move to be a God initiated move, not a me-initiated move. And with my brain going 1,000 miles an hour it's difficult to hear the still small voice.

All this change may effect my school plans. I've been accepted into the Masters of Spiritual Formation and Leadership program at Spring Arbor Univ. and had been planning on starting in the fall. Now, I'm brainstorming how to pay for that, and equally important is finding time to do it.

I was looking around the SAU website today and saw that they are offering two full paid scholarships for their online programs (of which the MSFL is eligible). So I applied. Pray that I'll be one of the two randomly selected.

My friend Randy went in today for his second round of intense chemo for the stage 3 cancer he's been fighting. We had an awesome talk a few weeks ago. I love how well he listens to me as I ramble on about things. I hope I can learn to listen like he does. Knowing what he's going through this week makes me wonder why I spent so much time rambling about my life, and if he were here beside me he'd tell me not to be so hard on myself. I hope he is well tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about writing a post about my friend Ben whom I work with at Westwinds. I was going to call it, "How to save a life". It's a long story, but basically I was put in charge of all things youth ministry at WW (Westwinds) when the last youth pastor left. I was already part-time so it seemed to make sense. Unfortunately, the whole ordeal had me pretty worn down (even more than I think I realized at the time). I was really anxious to have someone hired but at the same time wanted someone who would have the right fit here at WW. By the time Ben came on board as the new Student Journey Designer I was way past the burn-out level. I wanted to drop it all but more than that I wanted a smooth transition for him. I hung in and kept showing up to meetings and youth gatherings, all the wile feeling totally empty inside.

My friendship with Ben grew and somehow he managed to hang with me, giving me the space to feel how I was feeling and still be a part of the team. I never felt like he blamed me for anything that I was feeling. I recall a few of our talks in the office with me sitting on the desk babbling some sort of gibberish about calling, and youth ministry, and him sitting there soaking it in and encouraging me, yet without the typical patronizing kind of stuff.

I specifically remember one day at the end of one of my mental puking sessions that I just started to feel alive again. I don't feel dead anymore. I don't know how or why but i want to thank and give credit to my good friend Ben for saving my life when I was burned out.

1st Place Finish... or was it 15th?

Laura picked up the sports section this morning to find out where we placed in the Tin-Man. She quickly showed me the article on the front page of the sports section which said, "Joe Neill finished first in 32:42". We both enjoyed a good laugh over this typo, but I bet the guy with the 32:42 is pretty miffed.

Well... It says I won, but my name is also listed (with my actual time) in 15th place. Still not too shabby for my first time.

Tin-Man Triathalon

Laura and a friend of hers decided to do a tin-man this summer. (Tin-Man = 200 meter swim, 8 mile bike, 2 mile run). As soon as Laura heard about it she asked if I wanted to join them. I was easily convinced since I had already been doing some running just to stay in shape. Well... the tin-man was today, and boy was I surprised.

I got 75 meters into the swim and realized I had forgotten to pace myself. I was in the front of my heat but totally out of gas. I resorted to using every stroke I know (minus the doggy paddle) just to finish the swim. Then it was on to the bike portion. I didn't think the biking was too bad. There were some tough hills but overall I felt pretty decent.

Then I got off my bike for the running portion... my feet were numb and my legs felt like jello. Even though the running portion was what I felt most prepared for, I couldn't even get into a running rhythm because I felt so funky. By mile 2 of the run I started feeling better but by then it was over. And I was ok with that.

My finish time was 47.42. I was glad to just be under 50 min. I think I'll do it again next year, and hopefully I'll remember to pace myself on the swimming.

Life Calling Workshop - Part 2

Had a great time at this workshop. In preparation I had to take a few assessment tests about personality and career, and the results were really interesting to me. I never know what to expect from those kinds of tests. It's probably somewhat questionable as to whether or not I've answered objectively or if I've projected my current experiences and feelings onto the test. There's no way to know... but here's what I found.

My top 14 career matches included teaching in one form or another 7 different times. Also within my top 20 were: family counselor, anthropologist, composer, psychologist, archaeologist, journalist, and sociologist.

One point Dr. Bence made in one of the sessions was about how we view career and vocation. The question was raised, "Is a call from God permanent." That is, does God call us to a "Career" or to specific tasks for specific times. A lot of biblical characters were used as examples and it created an interesting discussion.

I think a lot of guys in Youth Ministry struggle with this. Can we be called by God to a specific task of ministering to young people for a time. And can God call us out of that to another field of ministry or another career altogether (and is it ok if God does that?)?

A friend asked about my time at the workshop and I said that I learned I'm supposed to be a teacher. He responded by saying, "we already knew that." His comment made me stop and think about how much time I spend pondering what I should do with my life when there's already good evidence that I'm doing the right thing. I suppose it's just that perfectionist in me wanting to get it right and maximize my influence by playing to my strengths. I may never stop asking myself if I'm being who God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to do, but maybe that's not a bad thing either.

Life Calling and Leadership Workshop

I'm down at Indiana Wesleyan University for a two day Life Calling & Leadership Workshop. I'm considering a major switch for the Senior Bible class next fall and this workshop will highlight some of the materials I've been considering. I'm looking forward to a few days of being a student instead of a teacher.

Smart Commute Day

Last Friday the city of Jackson sponsored a "Smart Commute", encouraging people to walk, jog, run, bike, or use public transportation to get to work. My friend and co-worker Dave recruited me to participate with him. So, I dug my mountain bike out and dusted it off for the ride.

It was 28 degrees out that morning. Brrrrrrr.

And... my butt still hurts.

Finding Words

It's been a tough for me to find words to describe how I'm feeling lately. I took last Monday off to be with my Dad while my Mom underwent surgery to remove some colon cancer. We've only known about this for a month or so, and really, it's been hard for me to process the whole thing.

In the midst of it all my friend Randy has been fighting stage 3 melanoma. He was there in the hospital room with us praying for Mom before she went in for her surgery and a little over 24 hours later he went in for his own surgery (his third in recent months).

Later that week my daughter Adia went to the ER with a 104.4 temp. I called my Dad that night and we had a good long chat. Even then it was hard to find the words or even to identify the emotions that I have been feeling.

All of this has weighed on me lately, and it's caused me to slow down a bit and think a lot about what life is all about... Or at least what I want my life to be all about. I have a renewed passion for my family. Maybe this seems weird but I smile more now. Tonight Logan was telling me something about his day as I was tucking him in to bed and I just looked at him and laughed. He is so funny. Austin always wants two hugs. He won't let me leave the house without coming back in for one more. At night he squeezes tight and often doesn't want to let go at all. He's got such a big heart. Adia's learning to communicate better. She's been doing sign language to say when she is hungry or when she's all done. I've been working more since school is nearly over (I always run out of material early) and Laura's been busy with Reprieve, bible study group, and spring softball, but the times we spend together are filled with good conversation. I'm trying hard not to take her for granted, as I have at times. I'm finding joy in the simple stuff like picking up toys, washing the dishes (thanks to my buddy Stu's influence), making dinner, and doing laundry.

To me, this all seems like a very strange response to the presence of cancer in my loved ones, but for now, I will take it... and hopefully I can find more words and more ways to soak up the life in every moment.

I'm so blessed.

A Great Meeting

Tonight I had an awesome meeting with our Costa Rica team. We met at the home of one of the adult leaders going on the trip and she happens to be a gourmet chef... So, she whipped up some tamales that were to die for along with palm heart salad and cilantro creme sauce. I'm pretty sure that I am now spoiled and am destined to be disappointed with the food we actually get in Costa Rica.

Aside from the great food... tonight just felt great. The mood was light yet sincere. I'm getting a sense that the team is starting to feel more comfortable with each other and I am feeling a real team spirit beginning to develop. I drove home as excited as I've ever been about making this trip. There is something energizing to me about leading students on mission trips. It's been a while since I've felt energized about anything, so right now that is a really big deal.

Some Random Thoughts

Spring Break:
I've been out of all of my routines since spring break. Reading has been off, sleep schedule, school routine, everything. The coolest part about working at a school is all of the vacation. I especially like the summer months off, and the two weeks at Christmas. Most don't realize how necessary it is for both teacher and student. I try not to take it for granted. There were several times during break when I just noticed all the cars going by while walking to the park with my kids. I thought of all the places they were going and how many were probably working, going to work, or returning from work. It's nice to get time off.
I think if I had to request vacation days I'd be the type to save them from year to year like a squirrel saving nuts for winter. It's good for me to have forced time off.

Seder:
On Easter Sunday our student ministry at Westwinds gathered for a Jewish Passover ceremony, also called "Seder". I was particularly moved by the Dayenu litany. There is a time where the leader reads a number of statements and the audience responds with "Dayenu", meaning, "It would have been enough". Here are some examples...

If He had brought us out from Egypt, and had not carried out judgments against them — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had carried out judgments against them, and not against their idols— Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had destroyed their idols, and had not smitten their first-born— Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had smitten their first-born, and had not given us their wealth— Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had given us their wealth, and had not split the sea for us — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had split the sea for us, and had not taken us through it on dry land — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had taken us through the sea on dry land, and had not drowned our oppressors in it — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had drowned our oppressors in it, and had not supplied our needs in the desert for forty years — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had supplied our needs in the desert for forty years, and had not fed us the manna — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had fed us the manna, and had not given us the Shabbat— Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had given us the Shabbat, and had not brought us before Mount Sinai— Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had brought us before Mount Sinai, and had not given us the Torah — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had given us the Torah, and had not brought us into the land of Israel — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

If He had brought us into the land of Israel, and not built for us the Holy Temple — Dayenu, it would have sufficed!

All that got me thinking about how I often approach God with an attitude of entitlement, like I deserve something from Him or that He ought to do something for me. The Dayenu was a good reminder that if God stripped me of everything and left me here alone that I would have nothing to complain about. What He has done already would have sufficed.

Masks:
Las week I had our school counselor come in and talk with our seniors about how to respond to those around us whom we know are hurting. She pointed out that one of the key things people do is put on masks. Then she asked, "What is the one part that is never covered when we wear masks?" Our eyes. That got me thinking about how the eyes are a window to the soul. Knowing this brings a sense of vulnerability for all of us. Students can't hide their eyes and I can't hide mine. I think there is a lot to learn from this idea. I am toying with all of the implications of this idea for myself and how I practice presence with others.

A prayer to start each day

The following prayer is an adaptation of the words of Thomas a Kempis (first phrase) and other quotes pulled from a chapter in Celebration of Discipline (Richard Foster). I've written this prayer on a small card and have had it on my desk for the past few days. I have not yet been consistently praying this daily before rising from bed (as I hope to) but the simple act of reciting it throughout the day has served to keep me mindful of my place and of the opportunities to serve others whom God brings my way. I've found myself more conscious of my words and actions toward others, and in that way alone it has been beneficial.

Lord Jesus Christ,
As You will; what You will; when You will.
I yield my body, my mind, and my spirit for Your purposes.
As it would please you, bring me someone today whom I can serve.
Let it be so.

Thomas Merton on Contemplation

Again from Spiritual Classics ...

"If you desire intimate union with God you must be wiling to pay the price for it. The price is small enough. In fact, it is not even a price at all: it only seems to be so with us. We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the One Good in Whom is all our joy - and in Whom, moreover, we get back everything else that we have renounced besides!
The fact remains that contemplation will not be given to those who wilfully remain at a distance from God, who confine their interior life to a few routine exercises of piety and a few external acts of worship and service performed as a matter of duty. Such people are careful to avoid sin. They respect God as a Master. But their heart does not belong to Him. They are not really interested in Him, except in order to insure themselves against losing heaven and going to hell. In actual practice, their minds and hearts are taken up with their own ambitions and troubles and comforts and pleasures and all their worldly interests and anxieties and fears. God is only invited to enter this charmed circle to smooth out difficulties and to dispense rewards."

Let us pay the price.

Andre Louf on Prayer

I've been slowly working my way through the book Spiritual Classics which is a compilation of selections from 53 different authors and I have been finding some great nuggets of spiritual wisdom. Here is a taste of Andre Louf...

"We stand now on the threshold of prayer. Our heart has been awakened. It sees Jesus, it hears His voice, it rejoices in His Word. That Word has been turned over and over in our heart. It has purified us, cleansed us, and we have grown familiar with it. Perhaps we are even beginning to resemble this Word. Now too, it can take root in our heart and bear fruit. Now it may even become the Word of God in our flesh.
So long as we ourselves were still intent on the Word of God in our heart, we had come no further than the prelude. There comes a moment when we yield up God's Word to the Spirit within us. Then it is that our heart gives birth to prayer. And then at last the Word of God has become truly ours. We ahve then discovered and realized our most profound, our true identity. And then the Name of Jesus has become our name also. and together with Jesus we may with one voice call God: Abba, Father!
...Now the Word has achieved its 'glorious course' (2 Thess. 3:1): it has gone out from God and been sown in the good soil of the heart. having now been chewed over and assimilated, it is generated in the heart, to the praise of god. It has taken root in us and is now bearing its fruit: we in our turn utter the Word and send it back to God. We have become Word; we are prayer."

God, may your word become flesh in us. May the name of Jesus become our name. May we become prayer.

Behind the Refrigerator

I was hanging out with my kids the other night and my son Logan accidentally lost a piece of the puzzle that he was working on. Turns out it was under the fridge. It was somewhat difficult to figure this out since Logan is only 2. But we identified the situation and I took action. Both my boys stood back while I pulled the fridge out from between the cabinets. They were bouncing up and down and shouting out everything that they saw. There were magnets, a pen, a clothes pin, a small rabbit (of the dust variety), and... the puzzle piece. I learned that when magnets fall under the fridge they sometimes stick to the underside. This make it tough to remove them. We used a coat hanger to retrieve all the things we wanted and a broom to sweep up the bunnies.
All of that got me thinking... I don't usually look behind the fridge for anything. As a result all sorts of stuff ends up there over time. I wonder what areas in my spiritual life are like that corner behind the fridge. Places I overlook. Disciplines I neglect. Or habits I've just gotten used to that aren't healthy. What's it take for me to stop and take the time and effort to look behind the fridge?

Golden Eagle Reunion

This past weekend I was invited back to my Alma mater for the basketball alumni homecoming. I've only been back for this event one other time since graduating ('96). I stepped on the court with several of my former teammates and it was almost just like old times. Within a few times up and down the court it was obvious that this wasn't your average pick-up game. Everyone knew how to play and that made it a lot of fun. I've been kinda sore the last few days.

It was an unusual feeling to be back on campus, mostly because the two years I spent at CU were an awkward time in my life. Some good times and some very discouraging times. Basketball was both. I'm glad I played on the team. Sometimes I wish I would have stuck it out and played my senior year. I was pretty discouraged by how much work I was putting into it for what I was getting out of it. Unfortunately, I wasn't looking at it with a long term perspective. I missed that it wasn't really about playing time or stat sheets or even wins and losses. It was about family, it was about friendship, it was about the unique bond a team has when they spend hours and hours together during one of the most formative stages of their lives. I wish I would have realized that then. I think I would have kept playing - I may have even played harder.

what is God up to?

There have been a few things from the past few days that I feel are blogworthy (remember this is totally subjective). I know the whole idea of including more than one idea in a post is against the rules for some, however, I have made my own rules for blogging so who cares...

I've just re-written this sentence five times. I think that actually best expresses some of how I've been feeling lately. I have a lot on my mind, but haven't had the words to go along with it. In the mean time I've kept the blog going with movie and book reviews and random funny stuff. I finally feel like saying something.

On Wednesday one of the students I teach got baptised. I wasn't going to go. I had lots of reasons why I wouldn't be able to make it, but I sat at the dinner table 20 minutes before the service and really thought that I should try to get over there. So, I jumped in the truck and got there just as the first song was being played. I didn't realize it was going to be a full blown church service. Ushers tried to shew me towards the front but I was planning on laying low in the back, waiting for her to be baptised and then ducking out the back. Finally, the usher let me sit in one of the reserved seats in the very back row. (who are those seats reserved for anyway??? I thought it was for people that come in after the service starts and who will probably leave early???)

Once I realized that I'd be there for a while I just decided to sit there and soak it in (no pun intended). It wasn't a really huge church, but the room was packed which made the opening worship time pretty cool. I sang some and listened some, and really started sensing God's presence and enjoying the whole ordeal. But I was distracted. There were two teen couples in front of me just hanging on each other and gazing into each other's eyes. I tried not to notice but looking back I think it was really frustrating me. There are probably several reasons why but I'll just share the two biggest ones. 1. As a youth ministry professional I like to take pride in kids, and I try to fight the stereotypes as much as possible. It's really frustrating to see kids ignoring the fact that they are doing very things that reinforce the negative stereotypes about them sitting in the back not paying any attention. 2. By the time the service was nearing an end I was simply sad to see them missing it. I had not come with an open heart, but God softened me up to receive what he had for me during that hour. It was right in front of them and they missed it. I was literally sad. I just read this poem and thought it really fit with this whole scenario:

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God:
But only [those] who see, take off [their] shoes;
The rest sit round it, and pluck blackberries.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "Afire"

Before each person was baptized a narrator read a brief statement written by the one being baptized. These were testimonies or things that had led them to where they are today. When the student that I had come to see got up there, a big part of her story was about Guatemala. She was on the team I led to Guatemala last summer. I knew the trip had a profound impact on her life, but to see it play out in such a significant moment like baptism was very moving. And, I was reminded of how important my little role in their lives can be. This whole experience made me even more excited about the trips I have coming up this summer.

After the service I didn't just duck out the back. I hung around to let her know I had made it. She saw me, ran over, gave me a big hug and said, "Thanks for coming." I know that it was where I needed to be.

On Thursday I had the opportunity to meet Richard Foster and hear him speak at Spring Arbor Univ. He was there doing lectures for their Spiritual Formation & Leadership master's degree program. I was just sitting in on this one lecture with a friend who'd been invited to come. I wasn't overwhelmed by his message at first, but as I've allowed it to soak in I'm finding it to be more full than I had at first realized (like sitting on a damp sponge).

He spoke on the mystery of the Kingdom of Heaven. He said it's a kingdom of proclamation and demonstration. It's compassion married to power (as seen in The Brothers Karamazov). It comes to us in mystery, "it comes to us veiled until our hearts are ready inwardly to be conquered by God." It comes through change, hearing and turning, responding to the quiet voice of God, living in dissatisfied satisfaction.

Later that same evening a guy named Bill Vaswig got up to talk about healing prayer. I'd never really heard anyone formally talk on healing prayer, let alone sit through a healing service, so this was two new experiences for me. I must admit that I had my reservations. I don't have time now to go into all that has been going on inside of me regarding prayer over the past few years. Let me just say that I've ditched the laundry list approach and have settled into what I have considered a more faith filled style of prayer - simply resting in the wisdom of God and not assuming that I know what God "ought" to do in any given situation. Bill challenged me. I'll just share one insight. He said we must stop using "if it's" in prayer. Ive been a big "if it"style prayer and maybe even more so lately. But, I haven't been comfortable there and it's the Genesis 18 conversation that Abraham has with God that has been keeping me frustrated. If' you've never read the conversation you've got to check it out. Abraham basically enters into an auction-style barter with God over the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. That one passage has been looming in my mind for about five years now. Abraham asks and let's God do what's best, but he asks.

I have a sense that my prayer life is going to be shifting in the months to come. And, I had a chance to practice on my good friend who happened to be sitting with me at this service. It's tough for me to really ask for what I want in prayer. But I gave it my best shot. I feel I'm constantly sifting through motives, and wondering mid-sentence if I am asking for something for all the wrong reasons. But I'm starting to ask... and I think that's a good thing.

God, Make us pure and holy by means of the truth; Your WORD is truth. - Jn. 17:17